When Do I Need Couples Therapy?
According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, most couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before seeking help from a couples therapist or marriage counsellor. That is over half a decade of built-up resentment before beginning the essential (and often preventative) work of learning to resolve differences in effective ways. Just because six years is the average, does not mean you need to wait that long!
First things first, you don’t need a really good reason to want to invest in your relationship!
A common misconception about couples counselling is that things have to be REALLY BAD between us before we decide to seek help. Couples counselling can get a bad reputation because of the stigma we’ve attached to it over the years: “I don’t want to be one of those couples who need a therapist to help us work through our problems” OR “If things are so bad we need a therapist, we may as well break up.”
Some of the best therapeutic outcomes I’ve seen have actually occurred when couples come in simply to improve their relationship, not save it. And who doesn’t want to improve their relationship? Our relationship quality colours every other part of our lives and has the capacity to greatly improve or reduce our overall well-being.
I’ve worked with many couples who are quite happy and have every intention of staying together, but simply want a little extra help working through a perpetual issue in their relationship (e.g., cleaning, finances, sex) or to prepare for an upcoming life transition (e.g., new baby, moving locations).
Just think of all the open-hearted and expansive work we can do when we are not in crisis mode!
OK, but as a therapist when would you say someone needs couples therapy?
Deciding when to seek couples therapy is a personal decision that depends on the unique circumstances and dynamics of your relationship. However, here are a few key situations where couples therapy can definitely benefit you and your partner:
Communication Problems
If you and your partner have frequent misunderstandings, difficulty expressing your needs or emotions, or struggle to communicate effectively, couples therapy can help you develop healthier communication patterns.
Frequent Conflict
If conflicts between you and your partner are frequent, intense, or unresolved, couples therapy can provide a safe and structured space to explore underlying issues, learn conflict resolution skills, and rebuild trust.
Wanting to Understand Each Other More
When we enter a relationship, we do so with our own individual histories, experiences, and traumas that shape how we show up in a relationship. Exploring our partner’s life experiences with a therapist can promote compassion, understanding, closeness, and communication among other things.
Trust Issues or Infidelity
Trust is essential in a relationship, and if there has been a breach of trust, such as infidelity or other betrayals, couples therapy can assist in navigating the healing process, rebuilding trust, and addressing the underlying issues. Alternatively, sometimes trust issues are unfounded and can be improved through exploration together.
Life transitions or changes
Major life changes such as marriage, the birth of a child, career changes, or relocation can strain a relationship. Couples therapy can support you in preparing for and adapting to these changes, managing stress, and maintaining a solid connection.
Intimacy and sexual concerns
If you and your partner are experiencing challenges related to intimacy, sexual satisfaction, or desire discrepancies, couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these issues, enhance emotional and physical intimacy, and improve overall relationship satisfaction.
Lack of emotional connection
If you feel disconnected from your partner, experience a lack of emotional closeness or intimacy, or have drifted apart, couples therapy can help you rebuild and strengthen your emotional bond.
Pre-marital counselling
Couples therapy before getting married or making a long-term commitment can help you address potential issues, improve communication, and establish a solid foundation for embarking on a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Deciding Whether to Breakup
Discernment counselling can help couples who are uncertain whether they want to continue their relationship by helping both parties consider all options before they make the decision to work on or terminate their relationship.
Navigating Separation or Divorce
Breakups are so hard, and counselling can help promote closure and understanding between partners. It can aid in effective and constructive communication strategies, and coping with emotions like anger and grief. Counselling is a place that promotes personal growth and reflection, which is always helpful for both parties when a relationship ends.
Remember, seeking couples therapy doesn't mean your relationship is failing or irreparable. In fact, it shows a willingness to invest in the health and growth of your partnership. A skilled couples therapist can provide guidance, facilitate productive conversations, and teach valuable skills to enhance your relationship.
