How to Fight Like A Couples Therapist

“You didn’t put your dishes away AGAIN! What is wrong with you? How many times do I have to remind you?”

Even in happy relationships, none of us are perfect angels when it comes to bringing up conflict in a moment of hurt or frustration. Sometimes we raise conflict in a way we KNOW will not yield the response we’re looking for, like the above example. Other times we feel blindsided when our partner becomes defensive after a seemingly harmless critique.

As it turns out, this phenomenon isn’t really a mystery. The research on couples has revealed we can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes (aka, how it starts) with 96% ACCURACY!

What does this mean?

The way we begin a discussion or raise concerns to our partner can determine if the discussion at large will go well or poorly, as well as predicts the overall health of our relationship.

Where do we go wrong?

Harsh and critical startup patterns are associated with negative relationship outcomes such as defensiveness in the listener, disrespectful communication patterns, and emotional escalation. When we feel attacked and criticized, we feel often shut off from the open communication and emotional vulnerability required to work our way to a solution. Instead, we may want to attack our partner back or just shut down entirely. 

How can we get it right?

Even in the best relationships, conflict is inevitable!

It is a perfectly healthy and important part of helping us get our needs met and learning how to love each other better. We can get conflict to work for our relationship by using soft and gentle startups, which are more likely to lead to constructive dialogue, increase problem resolution, improve emotional safety and trust, and boost the kind of relationship satisfaction that helps us stay together in the long term.

Here are the Gottman Rules of Soft Startup you can practice when introducing conflict to your partner:

Complain, Don’t Blame

When you have a complaint to make or a gripe you want to discuss, complaining is okay, but criticizing is not. Take the blaming out of complaining. For example, try saying, "The garbage wasn't taken out today" instead of, "You missed taking the garbage out again."

Make Statements That Start with “I” Instead of “You”

Instead of saying, “You are not listening to me,” rephrase this as, “I would like it if you’d listen to me.” Don’t cheat and form an “I” statement that is actually a “You” statement such as, “I think you are mean.”

Describe What Is Happening, Don’t Evaluate or Judge

Instead of accusing or blaming, just describe what you see happening. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t help clean up” say, “I am doing all the housecleaning today.”

Talk Clearly About What You Need

Instead of asking your partner to guess what you need, or to read your mind, say it explicitly. For example, instead of saying, “This dining room is a total mess,” say “I’d appreciate it if you would help clean your stuff off the dining room table.”

Be Polite

Make requests politely. Add phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if…”

Give Appreciations

If your partner has at some other time been better in this situation, then ask for what you need and present it within an appreciation of what they did right in the past and how much you miss that now.

Avoid Storing Things Up

Being specific is a better idea than global criticism. Storing up leads to defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling.

It takes practice to be able to access these skills in a moment of heightened vulnerability with our partner. Even when we try our best, we may still get it wrong because we are human beings who cannot be perfect in all our interactions, as hard as we try. Try some of these gentle start-ups for yourself and just see how your partner responds! Change may be easier than you think, especially if we’re able to see positive results almost immediately.

It's important to note that the effectiveness of the Soft Startup technique and other couples interventions can vary based on individual circumstances and the complexity of the issues being addressed. Every couple's situation is unique, and tailored approaches may be necessary in certain cases. If you need help navigating conflict with a partner, consider connecting to a certified couples therapist in your area!