Boundaries: One of the Kindest Things We Can Do
“People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.”
In any relationship, be it romantic, familial, or platonic, establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial for fostering a healthy and nurturing connection. Boundaries are often misunderstood as barriers, but in reality, they are essential in protecting the emotional and mental well-being of all parties.
When we think of boundaries, the first image that often comes to mind is a fence, a wall, or some form of barrier. This is why many of us might think boundaries are mean or unkind. Our emotional aversion to the idea of boundaries makes sense, however, boundaries serve a profoundly important purpose when it comes to our relationships. Rather than isolating us, they keep us connected in healthier, more meaningful ways. Let’s delve into how setting boundaries can actually foster better relationships and be an act of kindness in relationships that matter to us.
What would you rather experience?
There are usually two outcomes when we don’t set boundaries in relationships:
Our needs go unmet and we stay in a relationship characterized by frustration and resentment
We choose to abruptly end a relationship or seek distance, which often comes as a shock or surprise to the recipient
Given the above, let’s consider this work example. Would you rather:
Be fired out of nowhere without being given feedback or opportunity to improve?
OR
Have regular checkpoints with your boss where:
Guidelines and expectations are clearly communicated, including where you can improve
You are given the opportunity to address those improvements
You have a clear sense of consequences should you not be able to meet expectations
Boundaries Define Healthy Interactions
Imagine trying to play a game of soccer without any lines marking the field. Chaos would ensue because no one would know where the goals, sidelines, or penalty areas are. Boundaries in relationships work similarly. They define the space we interact, ensuring everyone knows what to expect. This clarity helps prevent misunderstandings and conflicts, making our interactions smoother and more enjoyable.
For example, if you set a boundary that you’re unavailable for work calls after 7 PM, your colleagues will understand when not to contact you. This boundary doesn’t push them away; it provides a clear guideline that helps maintain respect and balance, allowing you to recharge and return to work refreshed and more engaged.
Boundaries Show Respect
Setting boundaries is a way of respecting both ourselves and others. When we articulate our limits, we communicate our needs and values freely. This openness fosters mutual respect and understanding. It’s like saying, “I value our relationship enough to be honest about what I need to maintain it.”
Consider a friendship where one person always borrows money but never pays it back. By setting a boundary—saying you can no longer lend money—you’re respecting yourself by protecting your financial well-being and respecting your friend by addressing the issue directly. This honesty can lead to more responsible behaviour and a stronger, more honest relationship.
Boundaries Prevent Resentment
One of the biggest relationship killers is resentment, which often stems from unspoken or ignored boundaries. When we fail to set boundaries, we may feel taken advantage of or overwhelmed, leading to resentment over time. By clearly defining what we’re comfortable with, we prevent these negative feelings from festering.
Take the example of a family member who frequently drops by unannounced. While spontaneous visits can be lovely, they can also be intrusive if they disrupt your routine. Setting a boundary—perhaps requesting a heads-up before visits—can prevent frustration and ensure time spent together is enjoyable.
Boundaries Enhance Trust and Security
Boundaries contribute to a sense of security in relationships. When we know what to expect from others and what they expect from us, we feel safer and more trusting. This reliability forms the foundation of strong, healthy relationships.
In romantic relationships, boundaries might include agreeing on how much time to spend together versus apart, what constitutes infidelity, or how to handle finances. These agreements help partners feel secure, knowing their needs and limits are respected, which strengthens trust and intimacy.
Boundaries Encourage Personal Growth
Healthy relationships are those where individuals can grow and flourish. Boundaries support this growth by ensuring each person has the space and freedom to pursue their interests and goals. They also encourage self-reflection and personal responsibility, as we must understand our needs and limits before we can communicate them effectively.
For instance, a boundary in a relationship might involve dedicating time for personal hobbies or friendships outside the relationship. This allows each person to grow individually, bringing fresh experiences and perspectives back into the relationship, enriching it further.
Boundaries Foster Genuine Connections
Ultimately, boundaries help us connect more genuinely with others. By being clear about our limits and respecting those of others, we create an environment where everyone feels valued and understood. This authenticity leads to deeper, more meaningful connections.
When we establish boundaries, we’re not building walls; we’re building bridges. We’re creating a framework within which love, respect, and understanding can thrive. So, the next time you think about setting a boundary, remember that you’re not distancing yourself from others. You’re actually creating the conditions for closer, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.
