5 Lessons Parenthood Taught Me About Coping With Change
Life is always changing, for better or for worse.
When my baby was about 7 weeks old I thought I might never sleep again. He was waking up 5-7 times a night and I would feel a combination of dread and despair every time I heard a little (or big) cry coming from the crib. Just when I thought I couldn’t take another sleepless night, he surprised me and slept for 8 hours straight.
When we are in the middle of something difficult, our distress becomes compounded when we believe things will always feel this hard or never change. This can lead to feeling stuck, trapped, and immobilized by our perceived lack of control over the situation.
When we reflect on the different stages of our lives, we have ample evidence to support that nothing ever stays the same - no feeling and no stage of life. For better or for worse, things around us are always changing even if we were to sit back and do nothing.
As a human being (who also happens to be a new parent), this helps me appreciate the easier moments and cope with the difficult ones knowing that sooner than I know it, things will change again.
Flexibility Is Key
In parenthood, unpredictability and loss of control might begin with conception and will most likely characterize the duration of our parenting journey. Life does not care about our expectations - it is full of surprises and things rarely go according to plan. The more we fight this simple truth, the more we will struggle with the inevitable changes life will bring.
Flexibility and adaptability can be a learned skill - the more we expose ourselves to a reasonable level of change and discomfort, the more competent we will feel when dealing with adversity. When things feel out of our control, resilience through flexibility might sound like, “I may not like it, but I can cope with this change just like I have before.”
Focus on What You Can Control
Parenthood is one giant lesson in losing control, but focusing on what you can control can help reduce feelings of overwhelm. To cope better with change, we must be willing to try different things to improve our situation. If it feels like there’s nothing we can do, we will stay feeling stuck and frozen in our circumstances. Create new routines that work for your family, set boundaries, and establish clear expectations. Lean on your family and friends for support, and call somebody to vent. By focusing on the things you can influence, you'll feel more empowered and less stressed.
“Shoulding” All Over Yourself
When abrupt change makes life difficult, it has never made anyone feel better to ask, “Why aren’t I coping better right now? Why don’t I feel [insert positive adjective here] instead?”
When we notice and accept changes as they occur, rather than getting caught in resisting or denying them, we can move through these difficult changes with more ease. The same goes for our feelings about that change.
New parenthood example of “shoulding”:
Why aren’t I loving X stage the way other new parents seem to? I should be experiencing more joy in being at home with my child.
Instead of “shoulding” on yourself, try normalizing whatever you’re feeling and accepting your feelings without judgment:
Caring for my baby is really hard and this has brought on a lot of rapid change to my life. It’s OK if I don’t enjoy every stage of parenting. I love my baby AND I’m missing parts of the way my life used to be. This is perfectly normal and just where I’m at.
Stop Trying to Predict the Future
Or if you’re going to predict the future, at least entertain a world where life has improved for you.
“My baby will never stop teething - he will be fussy forever.”
Look around for evidence of other people in a similar situation - how do they seem to be coping with a similar change? Has life improved for them? Do babies, in fact, have teeth forever? Looking for evidence of situational coping in others can help us regain a sense of resilience in moments when change is coming at us too fast and too furious.
Life is always changing…
In challenging times, believing things will never improve can lead to feeling stuck and powerless. Reflecting on past life stages can reinforce the truth that no feeling or situation is permanent, helping us appreciate good moments and cope with difficult ones. Embracing flexibility, focusing on controllable aspects, and avoiding self-criticism are key strategies for navigating life's inevitable changes.
